Funny Employee Handbook

The Office of

Non-Compliance Association

Office Humor and Satire

Officemisery.com

Employee Handbook

Attendance and punctuality: All employees must give at least two weeks notice before calling in sick.

Appearance/Dress Code:

Females: All female employees are required to wear make up and mini skirts.

Males: Anything goes! However, you are required to make sure the female dress code is being implemented.

Sexual Harassment and Workplace Bullying: Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.

Pay Raises - This is a rumor. Any employee caught spreading this vicious mendacity will be put on immediate suspension.

Maternity Leave: You got pregnant on your time, then be sure to have the baby on your time as well.

Note: Spiritual or magical paraphernalia trinkets desperately used to ward off wicked bosses, will not be tolerated in the office.

Our Company Definitions and Terms

Taking Ownership - Being accused of faults and errors as management sees fit. Management is never wrong.

Multi Tasking - Perform multi-jobs at the same exact time equivalent to 3 employees without complaining.

Meeting Deadlines - Working after hours to meet unrealistic goals assigned by management without overtime pay.

Taking Initiative - Bending backwards without recognition, while someone else takes the credit.

Constructive Criticism - Management humiliating employee because employee got ahead of themselves and made management feel insecure.

Team Work - Picking up the slack for absentee or non-productive colleagues.

Eager to Please - Must be able to read the boss' mind, brown nose, and inform management with all employee conspiracies.

Company Benefit Package

Carpal Tunnel Syn.	Nightmares/Insomnia
Acquired taste for Alcohol	Suicidal Thoughts
Flat Tires/Key Scratches	Emotional Meltdowns
Paranoia/Hallucinations	Stomach Ulcers

* One year prescription of Zoloft and Prozac

Note: At this present time our company handbook is incomplete due to poor management. Please check back periodically for an update version. Policies are subject to change with out notice to employees. Thank you.

The Office of Non-Compliance Association 2006 - 2007